For the last few years I’ve thought of myself as being a great Mum…. but am I?
I will preface this by letting you know that this is not about sympathy, it is about strength and maternal love.
Life for me has been extremely challenging the last 5 years or so. I believed I had managed relatively well; I’ve had times where I’ve plummeted down ravines and experienced moments of nail tearing scrambling back up to a ledge, only to slip down and scramble up again, each time reaching the ledge a little higher than the previous. I thought I was ok.
But this morning, as I scrolled through ‘On this Day’ on Facebook, I was confronted by a post I had written in 2010. “How do you help a grieving 15 year old boy?” And seeing those words crumpled me.
You see, that was the beginning of a our personal journey on a hellish highway.
I read through the comments and the guidance offered by friends, they were from the heart and well meaning, but in hindsight, absolutely none of them prepared me for what was ahead. You see, my son did not manage at all with the death of his friend, and embarked on a path so foreign to us that we initially could not even begin to comprehend it. Even now it chills me to recollect behaviours, words and the situations we were placed in and dragged into. Yes, dragged. He was the child and we were the much loved teddy bear hanging on to little fingers, bedraggled, desperate and forlorn.
I can’t even think about how far down that road we may have gone or where we may have been discarded because it’s a painful process thinking ‘what if’, plus, it is not productive at all. The situations and people I’ve seen are heart breaking, that is enough.
However, I clutched that little hand with a tenacity I never imagined. I discovered within me a resilience I had no idea existed. I turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to criticism, too hurtful truths and too harsh words….
Because I am a MOTHER.
We existed in parallel universes, connected by a fragile golden thread of umbilical cord.
My boy, my son, my child who is forever connected to me as all of my children are. I would do it all again for you as I certainly would for your sister.
I offer no apology. I acted from my heart, and I always will.
And that is the best I can do.
Yes, I am a fabulous mother ❤️️